Let me start off by saying that I love the Nerve Scheme.  They are great friends of mine and some of the funniest guys you will ever meet.  The Nerve Scheme is made up of members Hector “XXX” Smith on guitar and vocals, Bobby “Analog” Weaver on drums, and David “Doad” Dodd on bass.  I sat down with them, and after listening to so many great stories about transvestite hookers in Florida, getting kicked off the set of Transformers 3 in Chicago, and playing for pizza in Texas, I decided to write about something I witnessed firsthand in Baltimore in 2008 when I played bass for them.  Sorry guys, I had to do it.  It's too funny. 

So without further ado, here is the Nerve Scheme's tale from the road...

First of all, the Nerve Scheme (hereon referred to as TNS) is a band you have to witness live firsthand.  These guys are high energy, kick-you-in-the-face, good times.  TNS played in 2008 with the Jim Rose Circus Sideshow, the Deadnecks, and Murphy's Law.  We were accompanied by Dave Johnson, owner of Jailhouse Records, Devon Degroat (bass player for Superock) and Erika Johnson, a good friend of ours.  Prior to our set, we sat backstage drinking large quantities of PBR and Jagermeister with Murphy's Law and Stuck Backwards while watching the Deadnecks perform.  When it came time to go we were ready to bust ass and do our thing.

When the set started we had a crowd of at least 500+ people going nuts.  Two songs into the set, the guy that was supposed to be watching our merch (we will call him “Bob”) got into a fight with a drunken heckler in the crowd as Erika and Devon were shooting confetti cannons off in his general direction.  Just as chaos ensued, someone pulled the hotel fire alarm, breaking the madness up as everyone exited the hotel.

After the false alarm was confirmed we went back on and began to rock the crowd.  Not three songs later, Bob and the drunk guy began to scuffle again.  Bobby, by this point annoyed with his friends, jumps over his drum kit mid-song and breaks the fight up.  The crowd at this point helps us out and takes the drunk guy away.  We finish the set and load out our gear.

Once we were backstage, Bob and I get into an argument over our merch getting stolen while he was fighting.  Bob didn't like being called out so some shoving begins between the two of us.  Me, not being the kind of guy who wants to fight, decides the best way to calm Bob's drunk ass down is to just grab his face and lay the godfather kiss on his lips and say, “Shhhhh.”  Bob didn't take too kindly to this, so Devon and Andy hold me back and Bobby grabs Bob.  We decided that it was time for Bob to head to the room and go to sleep.  Bob agreed.  Jager is the devil.

After watching Stuck Backwards and Murphy's Law we all headed to the room to party.  When we arrived at the room we found Bob passed out on the bed, shoes on, mouth open. 

Big no no.

We partied with Stuck Backwards for awhile, discussing Bob's fate.  After an hour we decide that fair is fair.  Poor Bob had no clue.

When you pass out with shoes on you are fair game to be fucked with (just so you know).  One guy (we'll call him “Neal”) decided to shove a finger inside his own asshole, pulling out the stinkfinger of a lifetime.  Neal, after showing his brown token of destruction to everyone, decides to give Bob a "dirty sanchez."  (To those who have lived under a rock for the last 30 years, that's a doo-doo finger to the upper lip.) 

It didn't stop there.  Oh no.

After the dirty sanchez, Neal proceeded to brush Bob's teeth with the doo-doo finger.  Yes, that happened.  I saw it first hand!  Fucked up, I know, but hey, don't fuck with a drunk punk band.

You can catch TNS touring the country supporting their EP Punks Not Punk, available on Jailhouse Records.  TNS is also recording at Double O Studios in Hampton with Tim Roberts and in Chicago with Steve Albini.  Yeah, that's right, STEVE ALBINI!  The full-length album to be released this summer.  Catch them while you can - the shit they do and say is real, unlike most of the commercial shit you get exposed to.  If I had to describe them, I'd tell you to take the Beatles songwriting, add early Lookout Records Green Day, put them in an  orgy with Ron Jeremy, Anti-Flag's Die For the Government attitude and They Might Be Giants' humor, let them fuck and the baby would be named the Nerve Scheme.

The moral of this Tale from the Road is don't fuck with the Nerve Scheme, cause they will fuck you harder.  They don't fuck around.  The Nerve Scheme is as real as it gets.

Much love to Bobby, Hector, and David.  See you at a show soon.

MySpace.com/TheNerveScheme

By Correspondent: Tom Ass

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